Loss of my Grandpa…

23rd: Dad tells us that Grandpa is not going to make it through the night. He doesn’t and we get the call when we get home. I can’t even explain how much he meant to me. I don’t even know how to grieve this.

24th: AM I go to the ER for severe heartburn. I felt like I was dying all day. Thor’s family was over for Christmas Eve dinner, the ham wasn’t cooked all the way but I don’t think that anyone noticed. More pressure from Thor’s family not to adopt. I say deal or disappear, this is getting old and I couldn’t handle this today.

25th: Easily the worst Christmas ever. I still feel like crap. Kassie bought us a bear for Christmas that says “I’m Chosen”. We both cry. I am hoping next Christmas we have a baby to spoil. Dad put together a bouncer seat they bought us and I snapped a great picture.

How will get through this?

A Baby Shower…a waiting moms perspective

Baby showers, dreaded by every infertile woman in the world. For you fertile folks, it’s like being stabbed with needles all day long…painful. To the outside world I was all smiles, a happy hostess for my sister’s shower, but on the inside I was ready to do a swan dive off the back deck. The shower was beautiful (I have a gift for party planning…shh don’t tell!) and everyone, including my sister had a great time. I’m glad she was happy with it and I am excited to meet my little neice soon.

I saw my sisters nursery today and it was awful, not the nursery, but the feeling that shot through me. I could hardly swallow the tears. I’m not mad just jealous.

My parents pitched in and they all made this beautiful nursery. I feel alone and oh so heartbroken. You see I’m a great prentder and it’s hard for my family to understand when everyone thinks I’m “fine”. Infertility is a battle everyday, sometimes easily won, others are like today. I am mourning the loss of a pregnancy, a shower and all the fun that comes with expecting a baby. Today wasn’t about me, I was all smiles, but I was dying inside.

The Homestudy visit complete

The final piece of our homestudy, the home visit is complete!  It was a breeze, she looked around, reviewed some things, and we watched a video that made me cry. The video was about the connection between a birthmother and her child.

As I watched I could feel those old familiar feelings of grief, and loss, and longing.  I wondered if we’d ever find someone brave enough and strong enough to overcome all that and actually make us parents. I can definately empathize with a birth mother from the comfort of my living room but i can’t help but wonder how I hold it together when an actually baby enters the picture.

Speaking of babies, we recieved our approval as the social worker left today.  We’re one big step closer to becoming parents. We’re off to help Thor’s dad with the ethnic festival at the Durham. Thor and I are flying high it’s soo great to be done! My SIL told me that my MIL says she’ll be over at the house every week once we have our child, I’m happy and curious about that one. My parents came by the festival too.  It was a great great night of family, entertainment, and shopping.