We’re Live!!!!!

Finally, we’re live. Our website is up and running and the IAC is mailing out our birthmother letters to potential birthmoms. We went out to celebrate at a fancy fondue restraunt tonight and I feel a lot like I did when we were in Indianapolis.

The IAC had a show on TLC called “Family Makers” that showed how the adoption process works. It was great and I can’t wait until we get our first call. In the meantime I’m working on the nursery and shopping with my mommy for baby things.

A beautiful sister & neice

I’m a slow griever I guess. I’m finally past my own shit and I have to say that I AM SOOOOO PROUD OF MY SISTER. She was such a trooper in the delivery room, she handled the pain and pushed O out in like a half an hour. She’s so strong and I’m very proud of her. O is beautiful and I adore my new neice. I can’t hold her enough. My sister has had a beautiful baby girl.

A more sane Kimmy is finally looking forward to the relationship that we’ll have with our birthmom. I will trust her and hopefully she’ll trust me. We’re making her part of our family and visa versa. I’m ready to be “in the book”.

The adoption wait, angry at the world…still

I’m still reeling from the birth of my niece. I find myself worrying about what the birth of my children will be like. Hoping there will be excitement fearing there will only be sadness. I hope I get to see them come out…i know it’s not likely but I can’t imagine not watching my children take their first breath.

Our IAC counselor emailed us today…she’s just now forwarding our file, the letter for which I arrived a week ago. She’s been out sick, moved, had deaths in the family, sick kids etc etc etc…shit happens but I honestly feel like enough shit has happened to us.

I’ve been very very sick, had deaths and births…yet I’m stilling making good time. All this stalling on the side of an agency to whom I’m paying $9,000. I just want them to hurry so we can find the mother of our children. It’s frustrating. They owe us big and when it’s crunch time I expect them to go above and beyond.

Honest-angry-infertile-me

February 1, 2006: 9:06 AM Olivia is born. My mom cried, my Dad, beaming rushed to call his family and tell them that he is a grandpa. I am heartbroken. Unable to even comprehend my grief. The first grandbaby should have been mine, three years ago, not an angel in heaven but one here on earth. I’m angry that I should have to endure the pain of not only that loss but the loss of my ability to give birth. I’m angry that I’ll never need an epidural, or look down at a baby and I think “We made this life”.

I’m hurt because no one remembers the baby I loved and wanted. No one will celebrate with us at our children’s births. No rushed phone calls, no family gathering at the hospital. The grandmas won’t come out to visit and the aunts and uncles won’t care to get the call. I worry that our family won’t love our baby as much, that they won’t be special…that I don’t get to be special. No 9 months of pampering and tlc here. I suffer silently and no one cares to ask how hard this is for me. I don’t get a day, not an ounce of attention. All I have is an empty nursery and an empty uterus. I won’t get a baby shower where I’m the center of attention, no one will care about our baby.

I’m scared that I will fall in love and she will too and I’ll end up broken hearted again. Worse yet that I won’t fall in love at all and I’ll never know how it feels to be a mom. I shouldn’t have to wait, or be patient, or be kind. I’m not allowed to be upset or jealous or hormonal. I am mourning a loss I thought I’d moved past…yet there I sat at the bottom of the tub, sobbing for an hour with shower water running. There are no prescriptions for the pain I’m in. So I watch the celebration, inside dying every day I wait a little more for someone who should have arrived a long time ago.