A moment in my shoes

I am soooo jazzed (that’s right I said jazzed) that our homestudy adoption agency is having a picnic this month. I’ve cleared the date and nothing is going to come between me and thor and that picnic. When you’ve been through infertility or the adoption process certain — landmarks appear in your life and it’s sooo great to talk to other couples who really KNOW! I’m hoping we make some friends while we’re there. I’d like to be able to compare notes when my kid is growing up.

On the baby watch…a ton of hits in the last few days. Lots and lots that are near! And a friend of ours has a neighbor who is a stripper, lots of her friends are prego and many considering adoption so…come on networking! I’d don’t particularly care how they were concieved!

And I found a video today that so beautifully shows the impact of infertility (in the very small way that you can communicate that to another person).

http://www.vocalicious.com/empty_arms/empty_arms_mod.html

Check it out! Well I’m up to my armpits in work (baby portraits of all things) so I’d better get back at it.

~ Kimberly

A messy week

This last week has been a mess. Thor had some health problems that are manageable but scared the crap out of me. I pissed off a bunch of people with my blog (unintentionally, and really it’s the intent that matters). The birthmom in Florida did not place. It was truly heartbreaking to think about this little boy (whom she didn’t see or touch for days) going without a loving home. I honestly think had she not put it off she would have been more comfortable with her decision.

We’ve also had another BM from Georgia who contacted us through the IAC office. We’ve talked with her a couple of times and she seems nice enough. But we have had some concerns about her situation. Today we found out she needs a good amount of financial assistance. The IAC asked us to make our decision soon….and given the circumstances we plan to tell them we can’t match. It’s really difficult to say no but when you’re talking about this much money with a woman I’m honestly not that comfortable with, they’re just no choice. My gut is screaming don’t do it…the last time my gut was yelling I ignored it and ended up broken unhearted from a match that shouldn’t have happened.

While this decision has been tough Thor and I are actually feeling quite good about it! We’re confident the right situation will come along and we will have our family soon.

Things I never said…

I never said this blog was anything but my uncensored feelings
I never said this private matter could be so public
I never said please feel free to judge me
I never said that my feelings would be easy to swallow
I never said that my feelings would be pretty
I never said I could go through this and be nice all the time
I never said what I’ve really been through and how bad it hurts
I never said I could do this without venting
I never said things with the intent to hurt you
I never said I could do this by myself…and–
I never said that the things you say hurt my feelings.

~K

No news is….?

We heard via email this morning that the birthmom we’re waiting on went into labor around 7 last night. We haven’t heard anything further yet but we’ve been waiting around all afternoon. At this point in the day even if she calls we can’t fly out until tomorrow morning. I realized today that no matter what I do…this isn’t going to work out how I imagine it in my head. Nothing here is up to me, my preference for having things in order is just that a preference of mine and no one elses. It’s so hard not having any control over my own destiny. Here we are two active, motivated, go getters, living at the will of people who obviously are less foward thinking than me. I dare anyone else to live like we’ve been living. It’s enough to make anyone crazy.

Thor thinks she’s going to call…me…I’m conflicted. My hopes are up and down at the same time. I hope for his sake that he’s right. He deserves to be a Dad. So many guys don’t take responsibility for their kids or worse they stick around and blame their kids for everything they never had the balls to do. No my husband isn’t one of those guys, and I am a lucky woman. He will make a great father, I just wish that he could start this Father’s Day.

Praying for Vindication

It’s really been wonderful to hear all the people that are hoping and praying for us. The support that we’ve gotten from our friends is priceless, and we appreciate it. I was laying in bed this morning thinking about best and worse case scenarios.

Today I have a dentist appointment. Best case scenario, I have a cavity that needs to be filled, and a couple wisdom teeth that need to go sometime soon, and it’s not going to cost me an arm or leg. Worst case, I need three root canals, and 10 fillings, and I’ll need to take out a second mortgage.

Still no word about this birthmother so I play the scenario game. Worst case scenario, we wait around all weekend for a call that never comes, she chooses another family, and I am again embarrassed, disappointed, and devastated. Best case scenario: Vindication. That’s right she picks us we fly to Florida and have a son this week. All my planning is no longer in vain, I haven’t wasted my time, hoping, and planning. No more feeling sorry for me…

Well we’ll see how the day winds up…right now I’m praying for vindication.

The Other Mother

I just found out that the other BM that we’ve been in contact with did in fact contact the IAC saying that she would like to work with us. Her intake information seems fine. She might need assistance, which we’re not very open to but we could probably make it happen. She’s due in October with a baby girl. It all sounds great. We’re well on our way to a match.

But I’m not excited. I feel guilty and selfish for not being more excited. It really is wonderful that she’s interested in us. But right now I feel apathetic. I want a baby now. Everyone keeps telling me to be patient. HELLO!!!! I’ve BEEN patient. It’s not like I started this yesterday, for three years i’ve been trying to start my family, for one year i’ve been trying to adopt. I honestly wish people would think before they open their mouths. Especially people who just decide and are pregnant overnight…or people who accidentally get pregnant. Most people can’t wait in the drive through line for 15 minutes for french fries, yet after three years I’m supposed to wait for a baby.

I’m so TIRED of waiting, and guessing, and hoping, and couting on other people to make my dream happen. I just want all the drama and the stress to go away. I’m gonna be an awesome Mom if I ever get the chance. We’ve been through so much, so many disappointments. I deserve excitement but I keep getting frustration, so much so that this one silver lining just seems gray.

The Waiting Game

If waiting is a game…why isn’t it fun? Our Florida birthmom has resurfaced. She emailed last week to let us know that our email was filtered to junk mail, that she would look at our site, and “get back to us ”. That little smiley face is my only ray of hope. I can’t hope hard enough that she’ll pick us. I heard from our mutual friend that her mucus plug is out…it’s a countdown to labor. She’s decided to wait to the last minute to decide.

I respect her decision because I think it is hers to make. I also appreciate the drama and excitement (plus not knowing keeps me from becoming too paranoid). But really the only way that all this drama is okay is if WE get that call.

I had another baby dream last night. I had this beautiful sweet baby girl in my arms. I was talking about her to someone…mornings like this I just want to sleep forever. It is my sincerest hope that I won’t have to sleep much longer, that soon I’ll fly to Florida and become a mommy to a beautiful baby boy.

Another match?

I hate to even utter the words because it seems too good to be true. Today we recieved a birthmom call from J. in Georgia who apparently has been trying to reach us for a week or more (i had problems with my phone!!!) She was intellegent, straight forward and pretty open. We had an easy conversation and I feel very relaxed about the situation. She’s due in October, but thinks she’ll go early as she has twice previously. The baby is a girl, she’s getting prenatal care and so far it doesn’t look like the bf is going to be a problem. She’s going to call the IAC tomorrow to say she wants to match…I’m stunned. I guess I’m trying not to get my hopes up. We’ll see what life brings. In the mean time I’m so happy to be talking to such a sweet woman and hope that our future brings us a good match, and a long relationship with our child’s birthmom.

PS. Georgia sounds great for a visit…plus an IAC state, seems so simple.

Return to Sender

Well we finally got an email from D. in florida (friend of a friend thing) Turns out our email ended up in her junk mail folder…She said she’d visit our website and get back to us. That the baby had dropped but no pains, signs of labor etc….of course we’re now realizing how much preparation needs to go into a trip this far away and for so long! She included a smily face in her email…i want her to pick us so bad that i feel like I might just up and die. I keep saying this mantra to myself…pick us pick us pick us PICK US!!!!

Grandpa

We took our first non-adoption trip since deciding to adopt this weekend, rather I saw my extended family for the first time since we decided to adopt. It was also the first time I’ve been back since my grandpa died…it was harder than I could have imagined. Whenever I go back there I feel like an outsider. Just because I don’t live there doesn’t mean that I’m not a part of the family. I was surprised by how few adoption questions we got. Everyone is so obsessed with my cousin and my sister’s babies and it seemed like being around family just made my lack of family that much more obvious. It was weird to be there without grandpa, somehow him being there always made things feel right. Maybe it was that he always told me I was his favorite, or maybe he just made everyone feel like family. I went to his gravesite for the first time today and I felt like my heart was going to explode with grief. I cried and told him I was sorry that I didn’t make it back for the funeral and I sang him the song I was supposed to sing. I told him how terribly I miss him. It hurts so much to know that my grandpa will never hold my baby. I loved him so much. I asked him to watch over the baby I lost, and to help me heal the hurt inside, to help me to be happy again, and help me to be patient. And I really think the wave of my grief for his death has made my infertility grief swell inside once again. I’ve also had 3 friends have babies this week. I just feel so stupid sitting here with this empty nursery, no family, no baby, no luck. To make matters worse we missed a birthmom call this weekend when we were out of town…no message!!!!!

Mom and Dad and Kass went on a picnic, and Olivia had this big baby food milestone this weekend and yet again I’m reminded that they have a grandchild, and Kass has a baby I just feel like a big fat loser. Combine that with this weekend and I can’t stop crying. It’s so hard to wait. I’ve been trying really hard to be positive this last week. I’ve pulled myself up by my bootstraps and said if we believe it they will call…well they did and we missed it. There’s no way to express how much this will mean to us, how truly miraculous it will be for us to be parents. My family kept saying this weekend that I’d forget about all this when we finally held our baby in our arms. And while I’ll be eternally blissful I’m sure, I know (and they couldn’t know) that I’ll never forget what I’ve been through.

Kenneth James Rice Died December 2005. He was the best Grandpa you could ask for, may he rest in peace, sing with heavenly angels and live forever through HIS family.