Waiting

I am okay.  I always am.  I’m the strong one.  The one who feels no pain.  The one who grieves every morning for the baby that isn’t there.  I am the one so exhausted from constantly holding together a hopeful heart.  The one who grows weary from the constant struggle that defines our lives.  I am the one who goes without attention and doting.  The one who hides tears in bathrooms.  I am infertile. Invisible, it feels like, even to God.  I am a hater of those who give less than their best to the children they have.  I am unable to rise above and feel joy for others who can do what I cannot.

Planning & Gathering Information for an Independent Adoption

It’s day one.  You’ve decided to adopt and you’re ready to get moving.  First step?  Gather & plan.
If you’re planning to pursue and independent or private adoption here are some steps to get you started.

What is an Independent Adoption?

What is a private or independent adoption?

A private adoption, also called an independent adoption, or identified adoption, is an adoption in which adoptive parents utilize an attorney rather than an adoption agency to handle an adoption.

It’s my uterus and I’ll try if I want to.

Two years ago for Christmas Techie gave me an iPod with the phrase “This is the year we start our family” engraved on the back.  Some 20 days earlier we’d completed our home study and after three years of trying to get pregnant and one miscarriage we were hopeful about adoption.  7 months and one week later L gave birth to our beautiful son and we became parents. 

While having things injected or inserted on a regular basis or enduring the adoption wait doesn’t sound particularly appealing we’re ready to try for #2 and it seems almost everyone has an opinion on the subject.  We’ve heard it all from friends, family, coworkers, and even perfect strangers. 

Things I never said…

I never said this blog was anything but my uncensored feelings
I never said this private matter could be so public
I never said please feel free to judge me
I never said that my feelings would be easy to swallow
I never said that my feelings would be pretty
I never said I could go through this and be nice all the time
I never said what I’ve really been through and how bad it hurts
I never said I could do this without venting
I never said things with the intent to hurt you
I never said I could do this by myself…and–
I never said that the things you say hurt my feelings.

~K

Waiting to adopt = frustration *shakes fist at the heavens*

It’s been a month since or unmatching. Time has flown by but Techie and I have both grown frustrated with the system.

It’s so hard for the two of us to look at other people who have kids and don’t love them, or have kids and just don’t good a job of raising them. We’ve had someone tell us recently that we aren’t ready for kids, and that kids are the end of our lives.

We’ve watched cold people who resent their children masquerade as good parents all the while reminding us that we are still outsiders when it comes to parenting. The thing is that even though we don’t have children yet we are parents on the inside.

For Techie & I having children is just the start of our lives. While some prefer to spend their nights out with friends or having drinks, we’d just prefer to stay at home with our kids playing board games or watching TV together.

I’d gladly trade a night on the town for a cheesy Disney movie with my kids. I know that Techie feels the same way.  So I shout this out to the universe “CAN WE GET ON WITH IT ALREADY?”

Truly shaken

We flew to San Francisco on Easter Sunday, meant the birthparents and really hit it off. I could tell right away that they were overwhelmed with the daughter they have (that’s putting it nicely…a more honest statement is that they are poor, abusive, irresponsible parents) and that they were not in any position to keep the baby. We went to the ultrasound and saw the baby, it is a boy! We were so overjoyed…I almost couldn’t believe it.

At our match meeting our birthmom’s deep feelings started to surface, it was ugly. The birthfather was visibily upset at the fact that it is a boy but we went home with their assurance that the baby would be ours.

On the way home I allowed myself to believe, to be excited. I was looking at this these tiny fingers in the ultrasound picture and thinking this is my baby…how could I be so stupid?

Yesterday as I was out joyously shopping for the baby I get a call saying that we’re unmatched. The birthparents couldn’t go through with it. Everyone is saying better now than later, if they can’t do it then the baby is better with them (really, being abused and unloved is better?) etc.

I’m devastated. Techie is devastated. For once his parents were excited for us. This is the first time they’ve cared about anything that he’s done or been excited about his life…and he had to call them and tell them that she changed her mind. He was so excited that it was a boy and ironically that’s one of the reasons the bps claim they changed their mind.

To make matters worse, our agency called CPS after the meeting. They didn’t warn us…they let us go all the way home thinking that we could actually be parents…the birthparents found out it was the agency and called it off.

The agency still hasn’t come right out and told us. I’m just so frustrated, and angry, and just devastated.

I feel like I’ll neer be a mom, and I know I’ll be great at it. I feel like everytime I’m happy something has to crash down on me and ruin it. I don’t have a passion for life anymore, i just feel like there’s nothing left to give. People give me this halfhearted “things will work out” crap. That’s just not true. No one knows anything.

I don’t even want to adopt right now. I don’t want someone else’s child, i don’t want all this spectical and heartbreak. I was wrong and I’m embarrassed and frustrated. It’s not more risky to try all these fertiltity treatments…I’ve invested a year of our lives into adoption…for what?

I’ve wasted a year that we could have had with my child. I’ve apparently talked my husband into this and he hates me for it. I can’t get our money back, I can’t undo our contract, I can’t undo what I’ve done. All I want is to do what other women do so easily, what most take for granted…i just want to be pregnant. I want to see that ultrasound and know that there is no one that can come between me and my baby. I’m back to where I was a year ago, devastated, angry, and childless.

We are matching!

Last night I’m crawling in bed and the phone rings…it’s from cali so of course I freak out. On the other end, a potential birthmom (A.). I am amazed but we completely hit it off. I can’t believe that I’m this comfortable with our birthmom.

She seems really down to earth and great. It’s just like she’s on of my girlfriends. The baby will be 1/4 puerto rican, 1/4 black, 1/2 white. .. so probably adorable.

We were on the phone for like an hour and a half and barely even talked about the baby. She’s in good health, she lives with the birthfather…he was the one who picked our letter out of the stack. I guess my curly messy hair was good for something afterall. She said if I can deal with my curls I can deal with a baby whose hair is coarse and curly!

Thor & I are flying out on Easter Sunday to San Fran where they live, to meet A., her man, and her daughter. I’m so excited. We get to be there for a sonogram and I think that we’re going to pay to have one of those 3-d ones done at the mall. She’s already got her POP into the IAC. It all seems perfect. Next week we’ll have a match meeting and hopefully it will be official.

The ironic thing is she and I are both worried that the other will change their mind. She seems so confident and really likes us but I’m having a hard time believing that something good can happen to us; something free from catastrophe. I’m trying to be positive and can’t help but be excited. A. is due august 25th. How incredible is it I pour my heart into a letter, a website, and someone else sees that and knows that I will be a good mother to their child. I can only hope, only imagine, only dream for now…

The baby that got away….

It’s taken me forever to sit down and write again; mostly because I don’t want to re-live the stress of this last month.

Just after my last post I decided it was time to finish the nursery…I guess I thought that if I finished the nursery I would be ready for a baby and we’d get a call.

My best friend came over and we painted the tree in the corner of the room and it’s beautiful. I arrange the furniture and it was done. On the morning of the 7th I hung the last shelf in the nursery and jokingly told Techie (my husband) “okay the nursery is done, now we’re ready for a baby.”

My grammy was in town so I went out with the girls and mid morning Techie called to tell me that Kim from the IAC had called…a woman from Omaha had called saying she was having a scheduled C-section on the 9th and that she wanted to make an adoption plan. Kim told Thor that the woman had used meth once and she wanted to know if it was okay to send our letter, since we’re not open to meth addicted birth moms.

Of course he said yes. She said she would send the letter and we could expect a call from the IAC or the birth mom. So after he had a heart attack he called me. After I started bawling I called him back and had him tell me the details all over again. Three days went by and we heard nothing…she didn’t place. It was a crappy way to spend the anniversary of our first date.

I still can’t even touch the feelings of sadness that those few days held for me. I think I’ve just gone numb. We had an email from a PBM that weekend and nothing since. I’ve had hundreds of visitors to our website and still nothing. I’ve done everything I can to boost our webstats, emailed, snail mailed everyone I know. All I can do is wait, but I can’t keep waiting for the damn phone to ring. I’m very busy with my photography classes, the neighborhood association, etc. but not busy enough. My nursery is done and beautiful, I’ve read, researched, saved, planned, and I’m ready to be a mom in a way that women who can birth their children can’t understand. It’s like a craving from deep inside that can’t be satisfied, that surges and takes over and dies down only to a low roar. At night I dream of soft sweet baby feet and chubby little hands, of their smell and weight and feel. When, when, when?

We’re Live!!!!!

Finally, we’re live. Our website is up and running and the IAC is mailing out our birthmother letters to potential birthmoms. We went out to celebrate at a fancy fondue restraunt tonight and I feel a lot like I did when we were in Indianapolis.

The IAC had a show on TLC called “Family Makers” that showed how the adoption process works. It was great and I can’t wait until we get our first call. In the meantime I’m working on the nursery and shopping with my mommy for baby things.