I am an adoptive mom in waiting. I am a fantastic mother.  I am the one not permitted to be angry or hurt when minds are changed.  I am the one who does not feel anything because my readiness to parent somehow gives me immunity from heartbreak.  I am preparedness personified.  I am ready and willing.   I am longing and devotion waiting.   I am a secret green eyed monster, angry, horrified, embarrassed by my envious nature.  I am a false smile to those who don’t appreciate the gift of life.  I am secret shame and growing grief with each day that passes.  I am deserving and unable. I am okay.  I always am.

• Legal Logistics: What are your states laws regarding adoption and relinquishment?

The laws regarding the adoption process and what organizations can process them differ by state.  In most states lawyers, agencies, and religious organizations such as Lutheran Family Services alike can handle adoption paperwork and relinquishment.

• You will need a lawyer to complete necessary paperwork.

Find an experienced and well recommended adoption attorney.  Word of mouth is the best way to find a lawyer with outstanding ethics.  Look for someone detail oriented who communicates well with you.  I, for example, am a big e-mailer and the attorney we used for our son’s adoption responds quickly to my emails.  Your attorney is one area in which you don’t want to shop on price.

• What agencies/organizations can provide you a home study and what will it cost?

All states require you to complete an adoption home study.  Requirements for home studies vary by state but most include several interviews with you and your spouse/partner as well as a visit to your home.  Home studies also include fingerprinting, various background checks, a letter from your physician as to your health, a short biography from each of you, and often letters of recommendation.

Call several state approved agencies and organizations in your area to find out the steps involved and cost of each particular office.

• How will you advertise and where?

How do you plan to locate potential birth parents.  Word of mouth and networking are your most powerful tools.  Most couples also choose to create a website featuring photos and a letter to potential parents about themselves.

Research websites and determine a rough idea for cost of design (buying pre-made templates can save you money) and monthly hosting.

Running ads in local newspapers and shoppers is also a good idea when choosing an independent adoption.  First verify with your attorney that your state allows advertising for potential birth parents.  No state allows you to offer compensation for a child, as it is illegal so be careful with your wording should you choose to provide assistance to birth parents for allowable expenses.

Once you have a general idea of cost of advertising and networking re-evaluate?  Is this affordable to you?  From here you can make a more in depth plan for running ads in local papers.  Always negotiate a better rate when you are running an ad for long periods of time or with multiple papers owned by a parent company.

• Who will handle birth parent relinquishment for your independent adoption?

That great lawyer you found should help you decide who will handle relinquishment.  They will be able to advise you (at no cost if you get a good one) as to your state’s laws about who can handle birth parent relinquishment.

• One last step before delving into that big pile of home study paperwork:

Plan your baby’s health insurance, check with your insurance company to find out how you can add your new bundle of joy and get an estimate of your new premium.

Got the gear?  Some people choose to abstain from buying baby items in preparation until they are matched with a potential birth mother or are bringing baby home.  Either way you should have funds set aside or have the necessities ready to go as even in an independent adoption you could have very little notice.  I had only 6 days between our call and our son’s delivery.

Phone number:  You will likely want a toll free phone number for potential birth mothers to call.  These are relatively inexpensive and available from your local phone company or through other phone services.  The number my husband and I used was provided by a local land-line provider but forward to my cell as we had no land line.  We were charged by the minute when a birth mom called.

Take your time planning and gathering information about logistics.  The process of adopting independently goes more smoothly when you have the details ironed out.  Carefully planning will save you from costly mistakes and heartache in the future.

Of course, not everything can be planned; when it comes to building a relationship with potential birth parents go slowly and be flexible.  Good luck!  Now go get “paperwork pregnant.”

**Thank you to my regular readers for enduring my recent outbreak of adoption related articles.  Adoptive parents are in need of good quality information about the process and I want to share my experience with those currently in the process.**

What is a private or independent adoption?

A private adoption, also called an independent adoption, or identified adoption, is an adoption in which adoptive parents utilize an attorney rather than an adoption agency to handle an adoption.

This type of adoption is permitted in 46 states; some states however prohibit advertising for birth parents. During an independent adoption, adoptive parents search for birth parents through personal networking, ads in newspapers, or using the web.

Relinquishments are handled by attorneys and given directly to adoptive parents. In an agency adoption the agency receives the relinquishment and then passes it on to the adoptive parents. In private adoptions a lawyer for the adoptive parents will handle the legal documents, arranging payments to birth parents, attaining proof of pregnancy, and finalization. In some states attorneys are also permitted to assist adoptive parents in screening potential birth parents.

Birth father rights should be addressed by your attorney. Adoptive parents are still required to complete a home study that meets their state’s requirements.

Adoptive parents should seek out adoption attorneys with experience and ethical practices. It is considered ethical to have a separate attorney who handles the relinquishment from the birth mother who may bill you for the costs. In cases where birth parents and adoptive parents live in different states an attorney or agency will have to comply with Interstate Compact on the Placement of Children Laws.

Why choose an independent adoption:

Some birth parents prefer to deal with adoptive parents directly and be an active participant in selecting prospective parents. Some birth parents feel that an independent adoption affords them a bit more privacy and it allows them to avoid bureaucracy that they may believe exists in an agency.

Adoptive parents may choose an independent adoption because it allows them to take an active role in finding and choosing birth parents with whom to match. Adoptive parents have complete control of where advertising dollars are spent and may choose independent adoption to avoid high agency fees. For some families it is important to avoid arbitrary standards that some agencies have set, yet others still report a greater sense of openness and ease in independent adoption.

Possible reasons to avoid and independent adoption:

Adoptive parents may wish have counseling for themselves or birth parents included. Agencies allow adoptive parents to pool their resources in seeking birth parents. Couples who are not “tech” savvy may find themselves adrift without the guidance of an agency.

Each year as many independent adoptions are completed as agency adoptions. Wait times will vary on the spread and effectiveness of adoptive parent networking and advertising efforts.

If you choose to pursue an independent adoption you may need to hire a counselor for birthparents based on state law, and you will still have to follow the birthparent relinquishment and home study laws of your state. You can find a state by state listing of relinquishment and advertising laws at www.Adoptive FamiliesMagazine.com.

While having things injected or inserted on a regular basis or enduring the adoption wait doesn’t sound particularly appealing we’re ready to try for #2 and it seems almost everyone has an opinion on the subject.  We’ve heard it all from friends, family, coworkers, and even perfect strangers. 

Our only concerns for having a second child have been can we afford another kid and will the second one turn out as wonderfully as the first? 

We’ve set a limit for how many fertility procedures we’re willing to attempt.  Some in our family would implore us (even though we have the most fantastic child who was adopted) to exhaust every measure to have a biological child. 

For me there is no distinction and I really have no preference for adding to our family through biology or otherwise.  I jumped off the fertility treadmill years ago and realized that being a mother was more important than being pregnant. 

Though shooting up hormones and turning into a complete bitch so I can have Techie million man army shot into my uterus via a glorified turkey baster sounds particularly appealing to me, it’s the unsolicited advice and commentary about my reproduction or lack thereof that drives me crazy.  So here are a few of my favorite irritants and my take on each.

• Oh you really don’t want another one.  Am I to assume you don’t want the ones you have?  I’ll take them!

• Start adoption and you’ll get pregnant.  Only 5% of adoptive parents go on to have biological children and the point of adopting is to get a child not a pregnancy.

• Do you need a surrogate/eggs/sperm? Uh…ewww and no.

• Are you doing it right?  We’ve been trying to get pregnant for 5 years, I can almost guarantee that I’ve had more sex than most couples who’ve been married for 25 years and what’s the point if you’re not doing it “right”?

• Have you tried  _______?  OMG no I haven’t.  Man! I paid that specialist $20,000 and endured numerous procedures and I could have just done ______?

• Just relax and you’ll get pregnant.  Miss Manners would say “Thank you for taking a personal interest.” I say “got a death-wish?”

And should Techie and I make a decision as to what is best for our family, our marriage, and decide to adopt another child the commentary will be delightful as having old wounds picked open by dutiful social workers and filling out a mountain of paperwork (every second of which is totally worth it by the way!) 

Honestly it doesn’t matter what anyone has to say, this will be the year we add to our family in whatever way we (and God) see fit.  At least we have one ally, the waiter at our favorite Chinese Restaurant said just last night “it’s time for another one no?”.  Tip him twice, cuz he’s right…it’s my uterus and I’ll try if I want to.

~K

It’s so hard for the two of us to look at other people who have kids and don’t love them, or have kids and just don’t good a job of raising them. We’ve had someone tell us recently that we aren’t ready for kids, and that kids are the end of our lives.

We’ve watched cold people who resent their children masquerade as good parents all the while reminding us that we are still outsiders when it comes to parenting. The thing is that even though we don’t have children yet we are parents on the inside.

For Techie & I having children is just the start of our lives. While some prefer to spend their nights out with friends or having drinks, we’d just prefer to stay at home with our kids playing board games or watching TV together.

I’d gladly trade a night on the town for a cheesy Disney movie with my kids. I know that Techie feels the same way.  So I shout this out to the universe “CAN WE GET ON WITH IT ALREADY?”

At our match meeting our birthmom’s deep feelings started to surface, it was ugly. The birthfather was visibily upset at the fact that it is a boy but we went home with their assurance that the baby would be ours.

On the way home I allowed myself to believe, to be excited. I was looking at this these tiny fingers in the ultrasound picture and thinking this is my baby…how could I be so stupid?

Yesterday as I was out joyously shopping for the baby I get a call saying that we’re unmatched. The birthparents couldn’t go through with it. Everyone is saying better now than later, if they can’t do it then the baby is better with them (really, being abused and unloved is better?) etc.

I’m devastated. Techie is devastated. For once his parents were excited for us. This is the first time they’ve cared about anything that he’s done or been excited about his life…and he had to call them and tell them that she changed her mind. He was so excited that it was a boy and ironically that’s one of the reasons the bps claim they changed their mind.

To make matters worse, our agency called CPS after the meeting. They didn’t warn us…they let us go all the way home thinking that we could actually be parents…the birthparents found out it was the agency and called it off.

The agency still hasn’t come right out and told us. I’m just so frustrated, and angry, and just devastated.

I feel like I’ll neer be a mom, and I know I’ll be great at it. I feel like everytime I’m happy something has to crash down on me and ruin it. I don’t have a passion for life anymore, i just feel like there’s nothing left to give. People give me this halfhearted “things will work out” crap. That’s just not true. No one knows anything.

I don’t even want to adopt right now. I don’t want someone else’s child, i don’t want all this spectical and heartbreak. I was wrong and I’m embarrassed and frustrated. It’s not more risky to try all these fertiltity treatments…I’ve invested a year of our lives into adoption…for what?

I’ve wasted a year that we could have had with my child. I’ve apparently talked my husband into this and he hates me for it. I can’t get our money back, I can’t undo our contract, I can’t undo what I’ve done. All I want is to do what other women do so easily, what most take for granted…i just want to be pregnant. I want to see that ultrasound and know that there is no one that can come between me and my baby. I’m back to where I was a year ago, devastated, angry, and childless.

She seems really down to earth and great. It’s just like she’s on of my girlfriends. The baby will be 1/4 puerto rican, 1/4 black, 1/2 white. .. so probably adorable.

We were on the phone for like an hour and a half and barely even talked about the baby. She’s in good health, she lives with the birthfather…he was the one who picked our letter out of the stack. I guess my curly messy hair was good for something afterall. She said if I can deal with my curls I can deal with a baby whose hair is coarse and curly!

Thor & I are flying out on Easter Sunday to San Fran where they live, to meet A., her man, and her daughter. I’m so excited. We get to be there for a sonogram and I think that we’re going to pay to have one of those 3-d ones done at the mall. She’s already got her POP into the IAC. It all seems perfect. Next week we’ll have a match meeting and hopefully it will be official.

The ironic thing is she and I are both worried that the other will change their mind. She seems so confident and really likes us but I’m having a hard time believing that something good can happen to us; something free from catastrophe. I’m trying to be positive and can’t help but be excited. A. is due august 25th. How incredible is it I pour my heart into a letter, a website, and someone else sees that and knows that I will be a good mother to their child. I can only hope, only imagine, only dream for now…

Just after my last post I decided it was time to finish the nursery…I guess I thought that if I finished the nursery I would be ready for a baby and we’d get a call.

My best friend came over and we painted the tree in the corner of the room and it’s beautiful. I arrange the furniture and it was done. On the morning of the 7th I hung the last shelf in the nursery and jokingly told Techie (my husband) “okay the nursery is done, now we’re ready for a baby.”

My grammy was in town so I went out with the girls and mid morning Techie called to tell me that Kim from the IAC had called…a woman from Omaha had called saying she was having a scheduled C-section on the 9th and that she wanted to make an adoption plan. Kim told Thor that the woman had used meth once and she wanted to know if it was okay to send our letter, since we’re not open to meth addicted birth moms.

Of course he said yes. She said she would send the letter and we could expect a call from the IAC or the birth mom. So after he had a heart attack he called me. After I started bawling I called him back and had him tell me the details all over again. Three days went by and we heard nothing…she didn’t place. It was a crappy way to spend the anniversary of our first date.

I still can’t even touch the feelings of sadness that those few days held for me. I think I’ve just gone numb. We had an email from a PBM that weekend and nothing since. I’ve had hundreds of visitors to our website and still nothing. I’ve done everything I can to boost our webstats, emailed, snail mailed everyone I know. All I can do is wait, but I can’t keep waiting for the damn phone to ring. I’m very busy with my photography classes, the neighborhood association, etc. but not busy enough. My nursery is done and beautiful, I’ve read, researched, saved, planned, and I’m ready to be a mom in a way that women who can birth their children can’t understand. It’s like a craving from deep inside that can’t be satisfied, that surges and takes over and dies down only to a low roar. At night I dream of soft sweet baby feet and chubby little hands, of their smell and weight and feel. When, when, when?

Finally, we’re live. Our website is up and running and the IAC is mailing out our birthmother letters to potential birthmoms. We went out to celebrate at a fancy fondue restraunt tonight and I feel a lot like I did when we were in Indianapolis.

The IAC had a show on TLC called “Family Makers” that showed how the adoption process works. It was great and I can’t wait until we get our first call. In the meantime I’m working on the nursery and shopping with my mommy for baby things.