Without further ado….

Mortified Mama Thursday:

After a long morning in the car we arrive home and I’m having a silly conversation with my son about the fact that he has naked feet (having removed both his socks and shoes in the car seat). 

Just as my husband pulls the side door of the van open I say to Chibby “are you nekkid?” he wiggles his toes at me and as I get out of the van I see my neighbor’s new roommate.  He’s looking at me like I’m some kind of weirdo.  He heard me say “Are you nekkid?” but didn’t see the hubby or baby.   I make a wonderful first impression. 

It was a close race this week I could have also chosen:

calling everyone at the Easter Dinner table “old” accidentally

or

my son almost whacking a business associate who was at our home for a meeting with a spatula I had given him to chew on. 

Sunday I’ll be serving tasty treats and wouldn’t want anyone to lose their appetite if they catch a glimpse of the filthiness that lurks behind.  It’s only been two months since I did this last but I thought I’d take you along.  Here’s the list of the finds which will no doubt shock, amaze, and horrify you! 

• a pine cone
• a football
• the missing shoe
• half of a baby Einstein board book
• ear cover thingy for the digital thermometer
• an antler headband
• 22 fruit snack wrappers
• several dust-bunnies large enough to scare a grown man
• 1 empty box of animal crackers
• Christmas throw
• a dirty diaper (just pee)
• 2 Little People and 1 Little People dog (to whom i have apologized profusely for the living conditions during their incarceration)
• a quarter
• wash rag
• and old sippy containing what was once juice 
• rubber ducky from the bathroom
• 3 power cords
• enough plastic groceries to fill a shopping basket
• and a sticky substance which began to stink and moan “oh what a world…what a world…” when sprayed with cleaner

The list was enough to make me wash my hands a dozen times and wish I could find the dustpan.  Happily enough I did not find any vermin or spiders so I say the operation was a success.  What’s lurking beneath your couch?

I know—I need a prescription.  Though I can’t remember exactly I’m pretty sure that I probably spent most of my time as a fetus tidying up the womb and since my birth I’ve only perfected my OCD. 

Why is there CRAP on my porch?  It is on the porch because I wasn’t about to bring it into the house.  Almost a year ago when we decided to sell our house I delicately packed our beloved possessions (now known as CRAP) into boxes and took it to a storage facility so that our home could be properly staged for the dozens of buyers who looked but did not buy.  Last month, after several frost-bitten hours of digging for my turkey platter, I canceled the contract on storage unit.  After a week of hauling boxes covered in dust and dead crickets, it has arrived.  I do have a plan, however, that would make the Clean Sweep Team proud.  Only 1/3 of the crap will be allowed back into the house and the rest will be sold, donated, or trashed.  Sounds great right?

Enter:  A stay-at-home mom’s worst nightmare:  the utterly unproductive day.  The utterly unproductive day is when you get nothing done at all, it’s the day when the dishes don’t get done, your kid is still in his PJs at 4 PM and you find yourself wondering: Did I go into a coma today?  Was I abducted? Did I eat some bad cheese?  No one knows the exact cause of these unproductive days but if left untreated they become contagious and may cause bad hair days. The root of my utterly unproductive day has two gorgeous blue eyes, a runny nose, and a new “I don’t know” gesture that is so cute that I’m overwhelmed with guilt and can’t possibly fault him for my lack of accomplishments. 

So the crap lives another day in the comfort of the porch, taunting me, breeding with the other crap and growing into an ever taller mountain that may smother me in my sleep tonight.   Good night room…and good night moon…and good night porch full of CRAP.

Organizing a clothing closet is simple and can be done in just a few hours. You don’t need a world-class closet organizer to put a workable system in place.

• Before you put anything back into the closet wipe down shelves with warm soapy water and vac the walls, baseboards, tops of doorways, and the floor.
• Use hooks along the back or sides of the closet for scarves, hats, or belts. If you’re on a tight budget a box of cup hooks will do fine for just a few dollars.
• All clothes items (except those in seasonal storage) must be visible and easy to reach or you’ll never wear them.
• While you have your shoes out clean them up, apply polish, wash laces etc.
• Store shoes on a shoe rack, in shoe boxes on the shelf, or in inexpensive clear boxes on a shelf.
• Shoe-a-holics take advantage of vertical space. If you have many pairs of shoes place them in clear plastic boxes with visible labels and stack them 2-3-4 high on the closet shelf.
• Need more dresser space? Plastic rolling carts with drawers work perfectly in a closet. The roll out so putting away folded laundry is even easier.
• Pack seasonal sweaters and shoes away. These items can go on the way up high shelf in the closet, in an under the bed storage tote, or on a hanging rack in the basement.
• Launder seasonal items before you pack them away. Store in breathable containers in cool dry locations. Avoid plastic bags and mothballs and all costs. Launder again when you bring them out of storage to freshen them up!
• Separate tops and bottoms in the closet for easy selection.
• Invest in hangers. Don’t use wire hangers, when you can purchase a pack or two of wooden hangers at a time. Wooden hangers can be purchased inexpensively at Target, Wal-Mart, Costco and clothes will look better coming out of the closet.
• ROYGBIV it. That’s right sort tops and bottoms by color. Grouping colors makes finding clothes and creating outfits simple and fast! In my closet clothes are actually sorted: white, red, brown, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo (does anyone have anything indigo?), violet, black, and gray. I start each color section with solids then move to prints, it helps keep the system in place.

If you’re working on a tight budget search craigslist and the clearance isles for items like shoe racks, rolling carts, hooks, storage totes, and hanging racks. When you rotate out seasonal items (switching the swimsuits for sweaters) take the time to sort through clothes and shoes again and purge items which are worn out, damaged, or out of style. When you reach into your closet for clothing, stop and take a minute to make sure clothes are in order and no squatters have moved in.

If you’re going to create a more organized home the closet is the place to start. Closets are almost always in need of purging and organizing and it can take several adjustments before you get a system that you like and can maintain.

• Take everything out. You want to see (and then vac) bare floor.
• Make honest goals. Do you have a walk in closet with room for 100 pairs of shoes? Is your closet so packed that you can’t stuff in one more hanger? Is the floor of the closet a heap of clutter? Make a goal to donate, sell, or throw out 1/3 or 1/2.
• Sort as you go: toss, keep, mend, donate.
• Play music while you work, dance, or have a friend hang out while you work.
• If you haven’t used it or worn it in the last 6 months (10 months for seasonal) toss it. You don’t need it.
• If you don’t LOVE it lose it. If it doesn’t look good on you, doesn’t fit (try it all on NOW), has stains or holes, or is just plain out of style TOSS or DONATE it.
• Shoes that are not in good condition should be tossed.
• Evict squatters. Your punch bowl, bowling ball, the book you meant to read, and old baby toys don’t belong. Evict them. If there’s room to add additional items later we’ll do it then.
• Still fashion, still in good shape but you don’t wear it? Give it to a friend. (I have a fabulous pair of Victoria Secret heels that my best friend who lives in a warmer-always-open-toed-shoe-season state will be getting in the mail! I love them but they’re a half and inch too tall for this baby toting mama.)
• Don’t allow emotional attachments to clothes (with the exception of your wedding dress and the sweet little onsies you brought your babies home in). Even those items belong somewhere other than your bedroom closet.
• Don’t save clothes for someday. Live in the now. Close saved for “when I lose weight” aren’t going to help you lose weight in the closet. Sell them and put the money on the fridge in an envelope with your goal weight. When you get there treat your self to new and fashionable clothes.
• Make a plan before you put things back into the closet. (See trick #2)

The great thing about cleaning out closets is that you may actually be making room for additional storage in the process. Stick to your goals and reward yourself when you’re finished removing everything. Once you’ve tackled the closets de-cluttering and organizing everything else will seem like a breeze!