Baby showers, dreaded by every infertile woman in the world. For you fertile folks, it’s like being stabbed with needles all day long…painful. To the outside world I was all smiles, a happy hostess for my sister’s shower, but on the inside I was ready to do a swan dive off the back deck. The shower was beautiful (I have a gift for party planning…shh don’t tell!) and everyone, including my sister had a great time. I’m glad she was happy with it and I am excited to meet my little neice soon.

I saw my sisters nursery today and it was awful, not the nursery, but the feeling that shot through me. I could hardly swallow the tears. I’m not mad just jealous.

My parents pitched in and they all made this beautiful nursery. I feel alone and oh so heartbroken. You see I’m a great prentder and it’s hard for my family to understand when everyone thinks I’m “fine”. Infertility is a battle everyday, sometimes easily won, others are like today. I am mourning the loss of a pregnancy, a shower and all the fun that comes with expecting a baby. Today wasn’t about me, I was all smiles, but I was dying inside.