As we often do, the hubs and I kicked into team work mode, he mixed childrens benadryl and Motrin into some chocolate milk, I cleaned the ear, coated it with benadryl cream and started an ice pack, all the while changing J out of his pool clothes.  Within 5 minutes we had a dry kid who was no longer wailing but definitely hurting and as the ear swelled it occurred to me…this kid was adopted, I have no clue if he’s seriously allergic to bee stings.  J’s birthfather is unknown and without that medical history and I was glad to live only a minute from a hospital with a shiny new emergency room.

Thankfully, as I’m quite allergic to bee stings myself, we knew exactly what to do and snapped right into action.  As a mom there’s nothing worse than seeing your kid hurt, nothing that makes you feel quite so proud as seeing them tough it out and return to smiles, and as an adoptive mom nothing more terrifying than not knowing if a mushroom, bee sting, or strawberry could send your baby to the hospital.

I am an adoptive mom in waiting. I am a fantastic mother.  I am the one not permitted to be angry or hurt when minds are changed.  I am the one who does not feel anything because my readiness to parent somehow gives me immunity from heartbreak.  I am preparedness personified.  I am ready and willing.   I am longing and devotion waiting.   I am a secret green eyed monster, angry, horrified, embarrassed by my envious nature.  I am a false smile to those who don’t appreciate the gift of life.  I am secret shame and growing grief with each day that passes.  I am deserving and unable. I am okay.  I always am.

Let’s remember that the $350 silver baby spoon listed as a “must have” by cookie magazine is almost half of my mortgage payment here in Nebraska.  That being said, I saw these this morning, maybe you’ve already seen them in Pregnancy Magazine or on other blogs, they are definitely a must have and come with a hyperventilation free price tag!

A perfect gift for our son’s natural mother

This one says “sister” and “Christmas” to me!

A beautiful gift for a new mama, I know a few of those!

My husband is going to find the URL to this in his inbox….

and this…is just gratuitous.

These beautiful creations are the work of Lisa Leonard, and right now you can win one of 3 $50 Gift Certificates over at one of my favorite blogs to read The Inspired Room.  Check out her giveaway and visit Lisa’s website and pick up a few goodies for the holidays.  I promise you won’t be disappointed.

There is great discussion this morning about remembering where you were, what you were doing on the morning of 9/11, aside from my run to buy gas as we watched the prices soar here is what I remember:

I remember waking up to beautiful fall weather and clear blue skies, a perfect birthday.  I also remember sitting on my mother’s bed hands clasped to my face watching that second plane fly into the World Trade Center, thinking how could this happen to in my country? My America, where I watched families of troops that fought to protect our most basic human right, FREEDOM, time little yellow ribbons on trees and fences while they waited during Desert Storm?  My America, where I was raised to see the sacrifices that our ancestors made and a thousand people after that to make our United States free for everyone.  My America, great and proud and born out of geniuses and men who believed that we should have the right to grow and prosper and do for ourselves without the hand of the government but instead with the hand of whichever god you believe in.

I remember stepping outside the door at work and watching fighter jets streak overhead and Air Force One as it landed at Offutt Air Force Base. In my lifetime, I had never seen a war brought upon our soil, and rest assured it was a war long before that beautiful September day.  On another beautiful morning, in 1941 the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor and our country went to war against an enemy who held no respect for human life and destroyed millions before being brought down.

On 9/11 terrorists who also held no regard for life killed 2993 people because they knew that dictators can be overthrown,  freedom cannot. On that day we were reminded that the cause of freedom is a cause to be advanced around the world, terrorists and dictators should not be allowed to rob their own countrymen of their right as human beings for life and liberty.

With the coming of my birthday each year I am filled that same defiance and pride in our great nation as I was that day.  I am reminded that freedom is a cause that was hard won and should be protected at all costs.  8 years later, I say to people who would have us turn leave our conflicts around the world that without freedom the world can never have peace.  God Bless America and keep her safe from those who would do her harm.

“Freedom and fear, justice and cruelty, have always been at war, and we know that God is not neutral between them.’ -George Bush September 11 Address to the nation

“We’ve seen the unfurling of flags, the lighting of candles, the giving of blood, the saying of prayers in English, Hebrew and Arabic. We have seen the decency of a loving and giving people who have made the grief of strangers their own. My fellow citizens, for the last nine days, the entire world has seen for itself the state of union, and it is strong.” - September 11 Address to the Nation

“America will never forget the sounds of our national anthem playing at Buckingham Palace, on the streets of Paris and at Berlin’s Brandenburg Gate. We will not forget South Korean children gathering to pray outside our embassy in Seoul, or the prayers of sympathy offered at a mosque in Cairo. We will not forget moments of silence and days of mourning in Australia and Africa and Latin America. Nor will we forget the citizens of 80 other nations who died with our own. Dozens of Pakistanis, more than 130 Israelis, more than 250 citizens of India, men and women from El Salvador, Iran, Mexico and Japan, and hundreds of British citizens.” -George Bush September 11 Address to the nation

“America is successful because of the hard work and creativity and enterprise of our people. These were the true strengths of our economy before September 11, and they are our strengths today.” -George Bush September 11 Address to the nation

“Each of us will remember what happened that day and to whom it happened. We will remember the moment the news came, where we were and what we were doing. Some will remember an image of a fire or story or rescue. Some will carry memories of a face and a voice gone forever.”  -George Bush September 11 Address to the nation

“On Tuesday, our country was attacked with deliberate and massive cruelty. We have seen the images of fire and ashes and bent steel.  Now come the names, the list of casualties we are only beginning to read. They are the names of men and women who began their day at a desk or in an airport, busy with life. They are the names of people who faced death and in their last moments called home to say, be brave and I love you.

They are the names of passengers who defied their murderers and prevented the murder of others on the ground. They are the names of men and women who wore the uniform of the United States and died at their posts.  They are the names of rescuers — the ones whom death found running up the stairs and into the fires to help others. We will read all these names. We will linger over them and learn their stories, and many Americans will weep.  To the children and parents and spouses and families and friends of the lost, we offer the deepest sympathy of the nation. And I assure you, you are not alone.

Just three days removed from these events, Americans do not yet have the distance of history, but our responsibility to history is already clear: to answer these attacks and rid the world of evil. War has been waged against us by stealth and deceit and murder.
This nation is peaceful, but fierce when stirred to anger. This conflict was begun on the timing and terms of others; it will end in a way and at an hour of our choosing.”                                                                            – President George W Bush, National Cathedral Speech

• Legal Logistics: What are your states laws regarding adoption and relinquishment?

The laws regarding the adoption process and what organizations can process them differ by state.  In most states lawyers, agencies, and religious organizations such as Lutheran Family Services alike can handle adoption paperwork and relinquishment.

• You will need a lawyer to complete necessary paperwork.

Find an experienced and well recommended adoption attorney.  Word of mouth is the best way to find a lawyer with outstanding ethics.  Look for someone detail oriented who communicates well with you.  I, for example, am a big e-mailer and the attorney we used for our son’s adoption responds quickly to my emails.  Your attorney is one area in which you don’t want to shop on price.

• What agencies/organizations can provide you a home study and what will it cost?

All states require you to complete an adoption home study.  Requirements for home studies vary by state but most include several interviews with you and your spouse/partner as well as a visit to your home.  Home studies also include fingerprinting, various background checks, a letter from your physician as to your health, a short biography from each of you, and often letters of recommendation.

Call several state approved agencies and organizations in your area to find out the steps involved and cost of each particular office.

• How will you advertise and where?

How do you plan to locate potential birth parents.  Word of mouth and networking are your most powerful tools.  Most couples also choose to create a website featuring photos and a letter to potential parents about themselves.

Research websites and determine a rough idea for cost of design (buying pre-made templates can save you money) and monthly hosting.

Running ads in local newspapers and shoppers is also a good idea when choosing an independent adoption.  First verify with your attorney that your state allows advertising for potential birth parents.  No state allows you to offer compensation for a child, as it is illegal so be careful with your wording should you choose to provide assistance to birth parents for allowable expenses.

Once you have a general idea of cost of advertising and networking re-evaluate?  Is this affordable to you?  From here you can make a more in depth plan for running ads in local papers.  Always negotiate a better rate when you are running an ad for long periods of time or with multiple papers owned by a parent company.

• Who will handle birth parent relinquishment for your independent adoption?

That great lawyer you found should help you decide who will handle relinquishment.  They will be able to advise you (at no cost if you get a good one) as to your state’s laws about who can handle birth parent relinquishment.

• One last step before delving into that big pile of home study paperwork:

Plan your baby’s health insurance, check with your insurance company to find out how you can add your new bundle of joy and get an estimate of your new premium.

Got the gear?  Some people choose to abstain from buying baby items in preparation until they are matched with a potential birth mother or are bringing baby home.  Either way you should have funds set aside or have the necessities ready to go as even in an independent adoption you could have very little notice.  I had only 6 days between our call and our son’s delivery.

Phone number:  You will likely want a toll free phone number for potential birth mothers to call.  These are relatively inexpensive and available from your local phone company or through other phone services.  The number my husband and I used was provided by a local land-line provider but forward to my cell as we had no land line.  We were charged by the minute when a birth mom called.

Take your time planning and gathering information about logistics.  The process of adopting independently goes more smoothly when you have the details ironed out.  Carefully planning will save you from costly mistakes and heartache in the future.

Of course, not everything can be planned; when it comes to building a relationship with potential birth parents go slowly and be flexible.  Good luck!  Now go get “paperwork pregnant.”

**Thank you to my regular readers for enduring my recent outbreak of adoption related articles.  Adoptive parents are in need of good quality information about the process and I want to share my experience with those currently in the process.**

What is a private or independent adoption?

A private adoption, also called an independent adoption, or identified adoption, is an adoption in which adoptive parents utilize an attorney rather than an adoption agency to handle an adoption.

This type of adoption is permitted in 46 states; some states however prohibit advertising for birth parents. During an independent adoption, adoptive parents search for birth parents through personal networking, ads in newspapers, or using the web.

Relinquishments are handled by attorneys and given directly to adoptive parents. In an agency adoption the agency receives the relinquishment and then passes it on to the adoptive parents. In private adoptions a lawyer for the adoptive parents will handle the legal documents, arranging payments to birth parents, attaining proof of pregnancy, and finalization. In some states attorneys are also permitted to assist adoptive parents in screening potential birth parents.

Birth father rights should be addressed by your attorney. Adoptive parents are still required to complete a home study that meets their state’s requirements.

Adoptive parents should seek out adoption attorneys with experience and ethical practices. It is considered ethical to have a separate attorney who handles the relinquishment from the birth mother who may bill you for the costs. In cases where birth parents and adoptive parents live in different states an attorney or agency will have to comply with Interstate Compact on the Placement of Children Laws.

Why choose an independent adoption:

Some birth parents prefer to deal with adoptive parents directly and be an active participant in selecting prospective parents. Some birth parents feel that an independent adoption affords them a bit more privacy and it allows them to avoid bureaucracy that they may believe exists in an agency.

Adoptive parents may choose an independent adoption because it allows them to take an active role in finding and choosing birth parents with whom to match. Adoptive parents have complete control of where advertising dollars are spent and may choose independent adoption to avoid high agency fees. For some families it is important to avoid arbitrary standards that some agencies have set, yet others still report a greater sense of openness and ease in independent adoption.

Possible reasons to avoid and independent adoption:

Adoptive parents may wish have counseling for themselves or birth parents included. Agencies allow adoptive parents to pool their resources in seeking birth parents. Couples who are not “tech” savvy may find themselves adrift without the guidance of an agency.

Each year as many independent adoptions are completed as agency adoptions. Wait times will vary on the spread and effectiveness of adoptive parent networking and advertising efforts.

If you choose to pursue an independent adoption you may need to hire a counselor for birthparents based on state law, and you will still have to follow the birthparent relinquishment and home study laws of your state. You can find a state by state listing of relinquishment and advertising laws at www.Adoptive FamiliesMagazine.com.

Now, at 2 years old, I don’t find the jiggling that inconvenient and I do so enjoy some snuggle time, but my helping him to sleep is actually keeping him from falling back to sleep if he wakes up at night.

Over the last 2 years I’ve heard countless people say just let him cry it out, to which I say, you go cry yourself to sleep everynight.  That will make you LOVE bed time!

So today at nap time, I placed my son in his bed and left the room.  He wandered out several times, each time without a word or even eye contact I picked him up and placed him back in his bed.  After several repeats of this process I decided it would be easier to stay in his room.  So I laid him down again, told him it was time for “night night”, kissed his head and sat in the rocking chair, laptop in lap.

When he sat up or climbed out of bed, I simply pointed at his bed and he climbed back under the covers and laid down.  After just 10 minutes, (30 from the start), my kiddo fell asleep: on his own, no jiggling, no tears.

I promptly left the room and did my parenting touchdown dance…he sleeps, I rock!

While toddlers love the great outdoors not every day is suitable for outside play. So how can we can bring a little of the outdoors inside and a little wonder and education to our toddlers at the same time?

The Discovery Window is simple to put together and the possibilities for education and entertainment are as wide as your child’s interests.

The discovery window allows your little one get up close and personal with birds, bees, and other critters when your pre-schoolers’ noisy ways might otherwise scare them off.

To get started simply pick a window, one your child can look out with ease or without breaking your rules!

Bring on the wonder: hang a variety of bird feeders, wind spinners, or birdhouses outside the window. You can place a birdbath near a first floor window or plant flowers just outside of a garden level window. As the flowers push through the soil and the bees pay a visit you will find your discovery window as busy as your pre-schooler.

Adding items like a wind spinner, thermometer, and rain gauge help start basic science discussions and teach children about weather.

Let your child assist in filling the feeders. While getting the job done (and making a mess let’s be real!) your kiddo will be stretching their developmental muscles, pouring, estimating, and learning what animals eat. As your child gets older she can help maintain a small window side garden.

The Discovery Window is yours to fill, be creative, let your children create or pick out the feeders or make it mom’s favorite too by including your own garden style. Decorate the window at holidays or change up the feeders seasonally to keep both the birds and your child interested.

It doesn’t matter if you have an apartment with balcony or only a window box, a house with picture windows or no trees at all, you can create a discovery window of your own for your child.

What works for us & the critters?

Our windows are not garden level so hanging the feeders under the eaves of the house works well. It keeps the feeders and houses out of the rain and snow so they last longer. The little bit of shelter also gives the birds a reprieve from rain and bitter wind in the winter.

In my feeders:

I recommend that you use safflower seeds to attract cardinals, jays, and other song birds. Grackles, house sparrows, and pigeons won’t eat this and the squirrels won’t bother your feeders as the seeds are very bitter! Safflower is available in 5 lb. bags at Wal-Mart in spring and early summer otherwise visit a local bird store or tractor supply year round. Make sure to store all birdseeds in an airtight plastic or metal container to keep rodents from having a field day! Cardinals love safflower and will literally be singing your praises for putting it out.

Use thistle seed in a feeder with small openings (it’s not cheap) to attract a wide variety of finches. If you want to avoid squirrels and common birds avoid store bought “wild bird seed mixes”, these contain filler which often ends up as a mess on the ground, however they are inexpensive and will attract birds none the less. Keep your feeders full and the birds will keep coming back.

Start creating your Discovery Window today and you will find that it attracts toddlers, song birds, and frazzled mothers alike. Bringing the outdoors into our home even on the coldest days of winter or noisiest days of toddlerhood brings both calm and cheer. Good luck and let me know what wonderful items you add to your Discovery Window.

I was kicked out of my mom’s group this week. At first I was furious, completely outraged and embarrassed. After a few days, the initial sting wore off and I realized how little I actually cared about my banishment and the “connections” made during the mommy outings. Not only was I ousted but also invited to never return again but good luck finding another mommy group. So what did I do to offend the mommy mafia?

It could have been one of several things….

After several play dates at local children’s museums, gyms, and zoos I connected with only one could be friend…she of course was that gal who rarely attends functions. A brave woman, a woman who knows how to coexist with other women would have instantly become her best friend and easily asked for her phone number so they could get together and make a quiche. But those of us attending mommy meetups don’t exactly have the best woman to woman social skills do we? If we did, we wouldn’t need to join a damn playgroup.

Yet in all my desperation to make a new friend, I could not bring myself to give her my mommy business card, and would frankly have found it easier to walk up to a strange man on the street and ask for his number.

At one toddler playgroup, I overheard another woman whispering to a mom of twins about a craft project she did at a different mom’s group. Was the grass really greener on the other side of the mommy meetup fence? Two weeks later I headed to the zoo to meet a new moms group and see what they were all about.

Welcome to Stepford. Upon my arrival I was immediately greeted by 8 smiling faces, 5 of whom I believe were named Cindy. I was asked several questions about my upbringing in the church (uh oh here we go) and then promptly ignored for ten minutes, it could have been longer because after two minutes I began to have an Ally McBeal moment in which I was switching their matching hairdos in various shades of color-treated blonde, dishwater blond, and platinum blonde from head to head.

As we stood in line at the zoos entrance, the perfectly quaffed mommy mafia stood chatting about what so and so did on Tuesday and someones husband john just loved the meatless lasagna recipe that one of the Cindys had passed onto the group. I noticed their Adidas tennies, matching Eddie Bauer shirts in various pastel shades, and their Jeep brand strollers. Their ears were adorned with identical pairs of earrings purchased at the last Lia Sophia party they all attended together. I stood there in my Maurice’s shirt, and payless kicks complimenting their children, making small talk and trying my best to fit in.

After another 20 minutes of half smiles and darted glances from the Cindy’s as if to say “do we really have to talk to you? We didn’t invite you!” I came to the conclusion that these were not my peeps. So I did what any desperate and disappointed mom would do, I hung back at the Seahorse exhibit and ditched them.

Apparently, after that an APB went out about me, the rebel without a pottery barn diaper bag. Below an unflattering image of me taken from aquarium surveillance video read the warning…this woman is considered to be both overweight and non religious. She has a long list of priors including blatant non-rsvp-ing, and egregious non participation…and she didn’t even have to endure childbirth.

So it could have been that…or it could have been that I was out of town and then out of state for a total of 5 weeks and did not log into my meetup account thus encouraging the moms of my first mommy group to exile me without a shred of understanding.

Either way, I’m not missing out on anything. But the mommy mafia had better watch their backs; I may just start a Mommy playgroup of my own for other rebel mommies. We’ll fly a pink and purple version of the confederate flag, and wear Old Navy flip flops, and feed our children processed foods.

For weeks I saw sippy cups disappear from our hotel room. I figured they were lost by a frazzled nanny as she wheeled our son through the zoo, the park, and the grocery store in his fire red stroller.

After reclaiming our sanity, our son, and my mini-van, I hunted for sippies finding only two. Where have all the others gone?

I believe there is a vortex underneath the passenger seat of the van from where a gas, not oxygen, currently emanates.

I am not woman enough to reach my hand under the seat and pull out whatever horrors lie beneath. I’ll freely admit that I am a giant chicken, a wimp, yes…even a girl.

Maybe I’ll take it to the Wal-Mart Auto Center and say “no I don’t need my tires rotated, just check underneath the passenger seat.” Should the mechanic be so bold as to investigate and come away from the van shaking his hand in the air and shrieking to the heavens I will know that it is time to sell my gas guzzling beast.

Even if I were to summon up the courage to investigate more closely I’m not sure that any amount of carpet cleaner or lye soap could remove the offending life form. As many will recall I encountered a similar “mystery fungus” behind my couch months ago which began to shriek and moan when sprayed with Windex.

So if nothing else, I’ll give Techie some nookie, arm him with a bottle of lemon scented pine sol and send him on a quest to discover and kill the source of the offending odor.

I fully expect to get any number of comments about how this makes my readers want to vomit. I do apologize, in fact, this is not the blog post that I intended it to be when I sat down to write. Tonight’s blog post was supposed to be about my renewed intent to get knocked up by my husband and a team of talented medical professionals. Alas, this post will stand as proof that I should indeed reproduce on account of my fine mothering and housekeeping skills.

For those who were barfing it may further offend and disgust you to know I wrote the entire post while sitting on the toilet!