23rd: Dad tells us that Grandpa is not going to make it through the night. He doesn’t and we get the call when we get home. I can’t even explain how much he meant to me. I don’t even know how to grieve this.

24th: AM I go to the ER for severe heartburn. I felt like I was dying all day. Thor’s family was over for Christmas Eve dinner, the ham wasn’t cooked all the way but I don’t think that anyone noticed. More pressure from Thor’s family not to adopt. I say deal or disappear, this is getting old and I couldn’t handle this today.

25th: Easily the worst Christmas ever. I still feel like crap. Kassie bought us a bear for Christmas that says “I’m Chosen”. We both cry. I am hoping next Christmas we have a baby to spoil. Dad put together a bouncer seat they bought us and I snapped a great picture.

How will get through this?