I was kicked out of my mom’s group this week. At first I was furious, completely outraged and embarrassed. After a few days, the initial sting wore off and I realized how little I actually cared about my banishment and the “connections” made during the mommy outings. Not only was I ousted but also invited to never return again but good luck finding another mommy group. So what did I do to offend the mommy mafia?

It could have been one of several things….

After several play dates at local children’s museums, gyms, and zoos I connected with only one could be friend…she of course was that gal who rarely attends functions. A brave woman, a woman who knows how to coexist with other women would have instantly become her best friend and easily asked for her phone number so they could get together and make a quiche. But those of us attending mommy meetups don’t exactly have the best woman to woman social skills do we? If we did, we wouldn’t need to join a damn playgroup.

Yet in all my desperation to make a new friend, I could not bring myself to give her my mommy business card, and would frankly have found it easier to walk up to a strange man on the street and ask for his number.

At one toddler playgroup, I overheard another woman whispering to a mom of twins about a craft project she did at a different mom’s group. Was the grass really greener on the other side of the mommy meetup fence? Two weeks later I headed to the zoo to meet a new moms group and see what they were all about.

Welcome to Stepford. Upon my arrival I was immediately greeted by 8 smiling faces, 5 of whom I believe were named Cindy. I was asked several questions about my upbringing in the church (uh oh here we go) and then promptly ignored for ten minutes, it could have been longer because after two minutes I began to have an Ally McBeal moment in which I was switching their matching hairdos in various shades of color-treated blonde, dishwater blond, and platinum blonde from head to head.

As we stood in line at the zoos entrance, the perfectly quaffed mommy mafia stood chatting about what so and so did on Tuesday and someones husband john just loved the meatless lasagna recipe that one of the Cindys had passed onto the group. I noticed their Adidas tennies, matching Eddie Bauer shirts in various pastel shades, and their Jeep brand strollers. Their ears were adorned with identical pairs of earrings purchased at the last Lia Sophia party they all attended together. I stood there in my Maurice’s shirt, and payless kicks complimenting their children, making small talk and trying my best to fit in.

After another 20 minutes of half smiles and darted glances from the Cindy’s as if to say “do we really have to talk to you? We didn’t invite you!” I came to the conclusion that these were not my peeps. So I did what any desperate and disappointed mom would do, I hung back at the Seahorse exhibit and ditched them.

Apparently, after that an APB went out about me, the rebel without a pottery barn diaper bag. Below an unflattering image of me taken from aquarium surveillance video read the warning…this woman is considered to be both overweight and non religious. She has a long list of priors including blatant non-rsvp-ing, and egregious non participation…and she didn’t even have to endure childbirth.

So it could have been that…or it could have been that I was out of town and then out of state for a total of 5 weeks and did not log into my meetup account thus encouraging the moms of my first mommy group to exile me without a shred of understanding.

Either way, I’m not missing out on anything. But the mommy mafia had better watch their backs; I may just start a Mommy playgroup of my own for other rebel mommies. We’ll fly a pink and purple version of the confederate flag, and wear Old Navy flip flops, and feed our children processed foods.