It’s day one. You’ve decided to adopt and you’re ready to get moving. First step? Gather & plan.
If you’re planning to pursue and independent or private adoption here are some steps to get you started.
What is a private or independent adoption?
A private adoption, also called an independent adoption, or identified adoption, is an adoption in which adoptive parents utilize an attorney rather than an adoption agency to handle an adoption.
What’s a girl gotta do to get knocked up? Oh that’s right…become a man!
Two years ago for Christmas Techie gave me an iPod with the phrase “This is the year we start our family” engraved on the back. Some 20 days earlier we’d completed our home study and after three years of trying to get pregnant and one miscarriage we were hopeful about adoption. 7 months and one week later L gave birth to our beautiful son and we became parents.
While having things injected or inserted on a regular basis or enduring the adoption wait doesn’t sound particularly appealing we’re ready to try for #2 and it seems almost everyone has an opinion on the subject. We’ve heard it all from friends, family, coworkers, and even perfect strangers.
I never said this blog was anything but my uncensored feelings
I never said this private matter could be so public
I never said please feel free to judge me
I never said that my feelings would be easy to swallow
I never said that my feelings would be pretty
I never said I could go through this and be nice all the time
I never said what I’ve really been through and how bad it hurts
I never said I could do this without venting
I never said things with the intent to hurt you
I never said I could do this by myself…and–
I never said that the things you say hurt my feelings.
~K
We flew to San Francisco on Easter Sunday, meant the birthparents and really hit it off. I could tell right away that they were overwhelmed with the daughter they have (that’s putting it nicely…a more honest statement is that they are poor, abusive, irresponsible parents) and that they were not in any position to keep the baby. We went to the ultrasound and saw the baby, it is a boy! We were so overjoyed…I almost couldn’t believe it.
At our match meeting our birthmom’s deep feelings started to surface, it was ugly. The birthfather was visibily upset at the fact that it is a boy but we went home with their assurance that the baby would be ours.
On the way home I allowed myself to believe, to be excited. I was looking at this these tiny fingers in the ultrasound picture and thinking this is my baby…how could I be so stupid?
Yesterday as I was out joyously shopping for the baby I get a call saying that we’re unmatched. The birthparents couldn’t go through with it. Everyone is saying better now than later, if they can’t do it then the baby is better with them (really, being abused and unloved is better?) etc.
I’m devastated. Techie is devastated. For once his parents were excited for us. This is the first time they’ve cared about anything that he’s done or been excited about his life…and he had to call them and tell them that she changed her mind. He was so excited that it was a boy and ironically that’s one of the reasons the bps claim they changed their mind.
To make matters worse, our agency called CPS after the meeting. They didn’t warn us…they let us go all the way home thinking that we could actually be parents…the birthparents found out it was the agency and called it off.
The agency still hasn’t come right out and told us. I’m just so frustrated, and angry, and just devastated.
I feel like I’ll neer be a mom, and I know I’ll be great at it. I feel like everytime I’m happy something has to crash down on me and ruin it. I don’t have a passion for life anymore, i just feel like there’s nothing left to give. People give me this halfhearted “things will work out” crap. That’s just not true. No one knows anything.
I don’t even want to adopt right now. I don’t want someone else’s child, i don’t want all this spectical and heartbreak. I was wrong and I’m embarrassed and frustrated. It’s not more risky to try all these fertiltity treatments…I’ve invested a year of our lives into adoption…for what?
I’ve wasted a year that we could have had with my child. I’ve apparently talked my husband into this and he hates me for it. I can’t get our money back, I can’t undo our contract, I can’t undo what I’ve done. All I want is to do what other women do so easily, what most take for granted…i just want to be pregnant. I want to see that ultrasound and know that there is no one that can come between me and my baby. I’m back to where I was a year ago, devastated, angry, and childless.
Last night I’m crawling in bed and the phone rings…it’s from cali so of course I freak out. On the other end, a potential birthmom (A.). I am amazed but we completely hit it off. I can’t believe that I’m this comfortable with our birthmom.
She seems really down to earth and great. It’s just like she’s on of my girlfriends. The baby will be 1/4 puerto rican, 1/4 black, 1/2 white. .. so probably adorable.
We were on the phone for like an hour and a half and barely even talked about the baby. She’s in good health, she lives with the birthfather…he was the one who picked our letter out of the stack. I guess my curly messy hair was good for something afterall. She said if I can deal with my curls I can deal with a baby whose hair is coarse and curly!
Thor & I are flying out on Easter Sunday to San Fran where they live, to meet A., her man, and her daughter. I’m so excited. We get to be there for a sonogram and I think that we’re going to pay to have one of those 3-d ones done at the mall. She’s already got her POP into the IAC. It all seems perfect. Next week we’ll have a match meeting and hopefully it will be official.
The ironic thing is she and I are both worried that the other will change their mind. She seems so confident and really likes us but I’m having a hard time believing that something good can happen to us; something free from catastrophe. I’m trying to be positive and can’t help but be excited. A. is due august 25th. How incredible is it I pour my heart into a letter, a website, and someone else sees that and knows that I will be a good mother to their child. I can only hope, only imagine, only dream for now…
We stopped out and the old farm to see Grandma and Grandpa and help them move into their new house. Grandpa looks frail and thin but ornery as ever. Techie helped my Dad and his brothers move the wheel chair ramp and I had time to catch up with my family. As I sat there listening to everyone my mind wandered. How will they accept an adopted child? One of a different race? Will I ever be able to attend to a family gathering with a child of my own?
That’s the thing that sucks about adoption…it’s excitement after a long period of dread, nervousness and so very many unanswered questions. I am excited though because my cousin asked for IAC’s number. She might consider adoption, she’s been trying forever and hopefully they will be happier. We returned home different and hopeful people.
It’s the second day of our seminar about open adoption given by our adoption agency, the IAC.
We still have so many questions but we’re raring to go! We met Dan & Krista two adoptive parents and their beautiful daughter (who is African American). She is adorable and melts Techie’s heart. It’s nice to hear about the process and know it does work out. We also see a video from some birthparents. I’m really excited to meet our future birth mom and I hope we have great relationship. I’m looking forward to writing our “Dear Birthmother” letter so that the world can see what great parents we will be. The pictures, the writing, it’s all so ME!
We hung around a while after the seminar trying to soak it all in. I’m trying to soak it all in. I’m totally stoked and this trip to Indianapolis couldn’t have been better. Now off to the mall.
The mall was awesome and Techie and I love all this time together. After trying to get pregnant for more than a year it’s nice to feel that connection between us again. Infertility was hard on our relationship but it’s only made our marriage stronger. Tomorrow we head home with a stop in Illinois to see my Grandparents.
We made it to Indianapolis! Last night the stress of adoption caught up to Techie. I’ve thrown myself into the process and worked through a lot of my grief, but he’s been busy with the company. Anger, grief, and questions stirred by excitement are too much and he erupted in the car on the way to the hotel. I answered a lot of his questions and he seems settled now.
It’s our first morning in Indianapolis for the IAC seminar. I’m so nervous and excited. The IAC office is cool. The walls are covered in pictures of smiling prospective parents, and chubby faced babies of successful adoptions. This can work…I’m ready to learn.
We had an awesome day. I’m on some kind of high I swear! There are only three other couples at the seminar, we’re all so different but in some strange way the same. You can almost smell the pain of infertility in the room. Techie was, of course, the class clown. Birth moms are going to love him, he lights up the room and when people talk to him they always walk away feeling good. We learned about all the paperwork, home studies, and talked about important adoption issues like trans-racial adoption and drug use. Tina, our adoption counselor, is nice and comforting. They send us home with a big bag of stuff, which of course makes me very happy.
We spent the night being Indianapolis tourists. We ate at this crappy steakhouse but didn’t even care because we were so busy talking about all the things that we learned and our plans to build a family. Tonight we actually feel like we could have a baby! We’ve been pouring over the materials they gave us, and I’m already reading the required books. Tomorrow we get to meet actual adoptive parents. Can’t wait to go back to IAC.
