The Vomit Van

My minivan smells like moldy vomit. I’m fairly certain it has something to do with our teenage nanny who used the smelly bucket of bolts for two weeks while my husband and I produced Top Affiliate Challenge.

For weeks I saw sippy cups disappear from our hotel room. I figured they were lost by a frazzled nanny as she wheeled our son through the zoo, the park, and the grocery store in his fire red stroller.

After reclaiming our sanity, our son, and my mini-van, I hunted for sippies finding only two. Where have all the others gone?

I believe there is a vortex underneath the passenger seat of the van from where a gas, not oxygen, currently emanates.

I am not woman enough to reach my hand under the seat and pull out whatever horrors lie beneath. I’ll freely admit that I am a giant chicken, a wimp, yes…even a girl.

Maybe I’ll take it to the Wal-Mart Auto Center and say “no I don’t need my tires rotated, just check underneath the passenger seat.” Should the mechanic be so bold as to investigate and come away from the van shaking his hand in the air and shrieking to the heavens I will know that it is time to sell my gas guzzling beast.

Even if I were to summon up the courage to investigate more closely I’m not sure that any amount of carpet cleaner or lye soap could remove the offending life form. As many will recall I encountered a similar “mystery fungus” behind my couch months ago which began to shriek and moan when sprayed with Windex.

So if nothing else, I’ll give Techie some nookie, arm him with a bottle of lemon scented pine sol and send him on a quest to discover and kill the source of the offending odor.

I fully expect to get any number of comments about how this makes my readers want to vomit. I do apologize, in fact, this is not the blog post that I intended it to be when I sat down to write. Tonight’s blog post was supposed to be about my renewed intent to get knocked up by my husband and a team of talented medical professionals. Alas, this post will stand as proof that I should indeed reproduce on account of my fine mothering and housekeeping skills.

For those who were barfing it may further offend and disgust you to know I wrote the entire post while sitting on the toilet!

What lies beneath…the couch

I’m a good little housekeeper, which is why I’m not too ashamed of my dust bunnies, because I know mine aren’t as bad as some.  Today while Chibby napped, I opted to clean behind and underneath the couch. 

Sunday I’ll be serving tasty treats and wouldn’t want anyone to lose their appetite if they catch a glimpse of the filthiness that lurks behind.  It’s only been two months since I did this last but I thought I’d take you along.  Here’s the list of the finds which will no doubt shock, amaze, and horrify you! 

The OCD fetus and her crap

I have a porch full of CRAP. It’s been here a week and I already like it less than my in-laws.  It’s making me angry and giving me a blinding headache.  I can’t sleep and I can’t concentrate because no matter where I am in the house I can see the peaks of the mountains of CRAP on my porch.  It’s making me want to kill my husband and pull out all my hair. 

I know—I need a prescription.  Though I can’t remember exactly I’m pretty sure that I probably spent most of my time as a fetus tidying up the womb and since my birth I’ve only perfected my OCD. 

Dirty Trick #2: Closet Can-Do

Dirty Trick #2 for Keeping Your Home Clean: Closet Can-Do, a tidy closet system on a budget.

Organizing a clothing closet is simple and can be done in just a few hours. You don’t need a world-class closet organizer to put a workable system in place.

• Before you put anything back into the closet wipe down shelves with warm soapy water and vac the walls, baseboards, tops of doorways, and the floor.
• Use hooks along the back or sides of the closet for scarves, hats, or belts. If you’re on a tight budget a box of cup hooks will do fine for just a few dollars.
• All clothes items (except those in seasonal storage) must be visible and easy to reach or you’ll never wear them.