Truly shaken

We flew to San Francisco on Easter Sunday, meant the birthparents and really hit it off. I could tell right away that they were overwhelmed with the daughter they have (that’s putting it nicely…a more honest statement is that they are poor, abusive, irresponsible parents) and that they were not in any position to keep the baby. We went to the ultrasound and saw the baby, it is a boy! We were so overjoyed…I almost couldn’t believe it.

At our match meeting our birthmom’s deep feelings started to surface, it was ugly. The birthfather was visibily upset at the fact that it is a boy but we went home with their assurance that the baby would be ours.

On the way home I allowed myself to believe, to be excited. I was looking at this these tiny fingers in the ultrasound picture and thinking this is my baby…how could I be so stupid?

Yesterday as I was out joyously shopping for the baby I get a call saying that we’re unmatched. The birthparents couldn’t go through with it. Everyone is saying better now than later, if they can’t do it then the baby is better with them (really, being abused and unloved is better?) etc.

I’m devastated. Techie is devastated. For once his parents were excited for us. This is the first time they’ve cared about anything that he’s done or been excited about his life…and he had to call them and tell them that she changed her mind. He was so excited that it was a boy and ironically that’s one of the reasons the bps claim they changed their mind.

To make matters worse, our agency called CPS after the meeting. They didn’t warn us…they let us go all the way home thinking that we could actually be parents…the birthparents found out it was the agency and called it off.

The agency still hasn’t come right out and told us. I’m just so frustrated, and angry, and just devastated.

I feel like I’ll neer be a mom, and I know I’ll be great at it. I feel like everytime I’m happy something has to crash down on me and ruin it. I don’t have a passion for life anymore, i just feel like there’s nothing left to give. People give me this halfhearted “things will work out” crap. That’s just not true. No one knows anything.

I don’t even want to adopt right now. I don’t want someone else’s child, i don’t want all this spectical and heartbreak. I was wrong and I’m embarrassed and frustrated. It’s not more risky to try all these fertiltity treatments…I’ve invested a year of our lives into adoption…for what?

I’ve wasted a year that we could have had with my child. I’ve apparently talked my husband into this and he hates me for it. I can’t get our money back, I can’t undo our contract, I can’t undo what I’ve done. All I want is to do what other women do so easily, what most take for granted…i just want to be pregnant. I want to see that ultrasound and know that there is no one that can come between me and my baby. I’m back to where I was a year ago, devastated, angry, and childless.