Pregnancy is for girls…or is it boys?

What’s a girl gotta do to get knocked up?  Oh that’s right…become a man! 

It’s my uterus and I’ll try if I want to.

Two years ago for Christmas Techie gave me an iPod with the phrase “This is the year we start our family” engraved on the back.  Some 20 days earlier we’d completed our home study and after three years of trying to get pregnant and one miscarriage we were hopeful about adoption.  7 months and one week later L gave birth to our beautiful son and we became parents. 

While having things injected or inserted on a regular basis or enduring the adoption wait doesn’t sound particularly appealing we’re ready to try for #2 and it seems almost everyone has an opinion on the subject.  We’ve heard it all from friends, family, coworkers, and even perfect strangers. 

Things I never said…

I never said this blog was anything but my uncensored feelings
I never said this private matter could be so public
I never said please feel free to judge me
I never said that my feelings would be easy to swallow
I never said that my feelings would be pretty
I never said I could go through this and be nice all the time
I never said what I’ve really been through and how bad it hurts
I never said I could do this without venting
I never said things with the intent to hurt you
I never said I could do this by myself…and–
I never said that the things you say hurt my feelings.

~K

The adoption wait, angry at the world…still

I’m still reeling from the birth of my niece. I find myself worrying about what the birth of my children will be like. Hoping there will be excitement fearing there will only be sadness. I hope I get to see them come out…i know it’s not likely but I can’t imagine not watching my children take their first breath.

Our IAC counselor emailed us today…she’s just now forwarding our file, the letter for which I arrived a week ago. She’s been out sick, moved, had deaths in the family, sick kids etc etc etc…shit happens but I honestly feel like enough shit has happened to us.

I’ve been very very sick, had deaths and births…yet I’m stilling making good time. All this stalling on the side of an agency to whom I’m paying $9,000. I just want them to hurry so we can find the mother of our children. It’s frustrating. They owe us big and when it’s crunch time I expect them to go above and beyond.

A Baby Shower…a waiting moms perspective

Baby showers, dreaded by every infertile woman in the world. For you fertile folks, it’s like being stabbed with needles all day long…painful. To the outside world I was all smiles, a happy hostess for my sister’s shower, but on the inside I was ready to do a swan dive off the back deck. The shower was beautiful (I have a gift for party planning…shh don’t tell!) and everyone, including my sister had a great time. I’m glad she was happy with it and I am excited to meet my little neice soon.

I saw my sisters nursery today and it was awful, not the nursery, but the feeling that shot through me. I could hardly swallow the tears. I’m not mad just jealous.

My parents pitched in and they all made this beautiful nursery. I feel alone and oh so heartbroken. You see I’m a great prentder and it’s hard for my family to understand when everyone thinks I’m “fine”. Infertility is a battle everyday, sometimes easily won, others are like today. I am mourning the loss of a pregnancy, a shower and all the fun that comes with expecting a baby. Today wasn’t about me, I was all smiles, but I was dying inside.

Return from Adoption Seminar

We stopped out and the old farm to see Grandma and Grandpa and help them move into their new house. Grandpa looks frail and thin but ornery as ever. Techie helped my Dad and his brothers move the wheel chair ramp and I had time to catch up with my family.  As I sat there listening to everyone my mind wandered.  How will they accept an adopted child?  One of a different race?  Will I ever be able to attend to a family gathering with a child of my own?

That’s the thing that sucks about adoption…it’s excitement after a long period of dread, nervousness and so very many unanswered questions.  I am excited though because my cousin asked for IAC’s number. She might consider adoption, she’s been trying forever and hopefully they will be happier. We returned home different and hopeful people.