Waiting to adopt = frustration *shakes fist at the heavens*

It’s been a month since or unmatching. Time has flown by but Techie and I have both grown frustrated with the system.

It’s so hard for the two of us to look at other people who have kids and don’t love them, or have kids and just don’t good a job of raising them. We’ve had someone tell us recently that we aren’t ready for kids, and that kids are the end of our lives.

We’ve watched cold people who resent their children masquerade as good parents all the while reminding us that we are still outsiders when it comes to parenting. The thing is that even though we don’t have children yet we are parents on the inside.

For Techie & I having children is just the start of our lives. While some prefer to spend their nights out with friends or having drinks, we’d just prefer to stay at home with our kids playing board games or watching TV together.

I’d gladly trade a night on the town for a cheesy Disney movie with my kids. I know that Techie feels the same way.  So I shout this out to the universe “CAN WE GET ON WITH IT ALREADY?”

A beautiful sister & neice

I’m a slow griever I guess. I’m finally past my own shit and I have to say that I AM SOOOOO PROUD OF MY SISTER. She was such a trooper in the delivery room, she handled the pain and pushed O out in like a half an hour. She’s so strong and I’m very proud of her. O is beautiful and I adore my new neice. I can’t hold her enough. My sister has had a beautiful baby girl.

A more sane Kimmy is finally looking forward to the relationship that we’ll have with our birthmom. I will trust her and hopefully she’ll trust me. We’re making her part of our family and visa versa. I’m ready to be “in the book”.

Dear Birthmother: our birthmother letter

It’s done. Our letter is pending final approval. Within a couple of weeks Thor and I should be in the book. Writing this letter was much harder than I had expected. How do you show a potential birth mom that you’ll love her child like it came from your body, unconditionally, and with everything you have? I think I’ve done it. Our letter is on our website at www.schrockfamily.com.

Kassie is due any day. She says she wants me in the delivery room. I expect this will be hard on me. The financial stress of adoption is catching up to me. Not only do we have to come up with another $9,000 but also enough money to keep the company running while Thor and I are gone to get the baby. The company never does that well when we’re gone so we’re planning ahead. Thor will make it work, he’s good at that but right now it’s my biggest stress.

Loss of my Grandpa…

23rd: Dad tells us that Grandpa is not going to make it through the night. He doesn’t and we get the call when we get home. I can’t even explain how much he meant to me. I don’t even know how to grieve this.

24th: AM I go to the ER for severe heartburn. I felt like I was dying all day. Thor’s family was over for Christmas Eve dinner, the ham wasn’t cooked all the way but I don’t think that anyone noticed. More pressure from Thor’s family not to adopt. I say deal or disappear, this is getting old and I couldn’t handle this today.

25th: Easily the worst Christmas ever. I still feel like crap. Kassie bought us a bear for Christmas that says “I’m Chosen”. We both cry. I am hoping next Christmas we have a baby to spoil. Dad put together a bouncer seat they bought us and I snapped a great picture.

How will get through this?

A Baby Shower…a waiting moms perspective

Baby showers, dreaded by every infertile woman in the world. For you fertile folks, it’s like being stabbed with needles all day long…painful. To the outside world I was all smiles, a happy hostess for my sister’s shower, but on the inside I was ready to do a swan dive off the back deck. The shower was beautiful (I have a gift for party planning…shh don’t tell!) and everyone, including my sister had a great time. I’m glad she was happy with it and I am excited to meet my little neice soon.

I saw my sisters nursery today and it was awful, not the nursery, but the feeling that shot through me. I could hardly swallow the tears. I’m not mad just jealous.

My parents pitched in and they all made this beautiful nursery. I feel alone and oh so heartbroken. You see I’m a great prentder and it’s hard for my family to understand when everyone thinks I’m “fine”. Infertility is a battle everyday, sometimes easily won, others are like today. I am mourning the loss of a pregnancy, a shower and all the fun that comes with expecting a baby. Today wasn’t about me, I was all smiles, but I was dying inside.

The Homestudy visit complete

The final piece of our homestudy, the home visit is complete!  It was a breeze, she looked around, reviewed some things, and we watched a video that made me cry. The video was about the connection between a birthmother and her child.

As I watched I could feel those old familiar feelings of grief, and loss, and longing.  I wondered if we’d ever find someone brave enough and strong enough to overcome all that and actually make us parents. I can definately empathize with a birth mother from the comfort of my living room but i can’t help but wonder how I hold it together when an actually baby enters the picture.

Speaking of babies, we recieved our approval as the social worker left today.  We’re one big step closer to becoming parents. We’re off to help Thor’s dad with the ethnic festival at the Durham. Thor and I are flying high it’s soo great to be done! My SIL told me that my MIL says she’ll be over at the house every week once we have our child, I’m happy and curious about that one. My parents came by the festival too.  It was a great great night of family, entertainment, and shopping.

Telling your family about your plans to adopt

Our second homestudy visit was a piece of cake. I’m feeling much more positive this week and ready for our home. We did seperate interviews and I realized that being introspective is very helpful during this process.

Last week we had dinner with Techie’s parents. We don’t see them often and they weren’t caught up on our adoption. Thor mentioned something about a transracial adoption (which we’re both totally open to and comfortable with) and his Dad flipped. He can’t believe we want a “black” baby.

His mom, a lawyer, lost it when we said that we were going to have an open adoption. She started ranting about Grandparents relinquishing they’re rights and our birthmom coming back to take the baby at anytime.

I LAUGHED outloud. His parents usually don’t care about anything we do and I’m totally suprised to see such strong feelings about this. I hope once his Dad holds his grandchild he’ll be fine (no matter the ethncity). He has no positive experiences with people outside his own race and all we can do is try to broaden his horizons. Once we eliminate the rampant adoption myths here they will hopefully calm down.

They have to make it hard on us don’t they?

Adoptive Families Magazine has a great page on Adoption Myths at: www.adoptivefamilies.com/articles.php?aid=577.

First steps to open adoption: the homestudy

The homestudy. Because I’m no longer trying to get knocked up and I have nothing else to worry about I’ve been freaking out about our homestudy for weeks now. We started the homestudy process by filling out a dozen copies of papers that say nearly the same thing “no, i’m not a child molester; no, i’ve never killed anyone; yes, i will love my child” *now give me a baby!*

If you’ve never adopted a child let me tell you, far less paperwork to adopt! After what seems like forever, we finally met Allison at Adoption Links Worldwide. She asked us a million questions, none of which were hard to answer. I am both humbled and warmed by the glowing letters of recommendation from my friends.

As we take this next step toward adoption Ithink infertility is coming back to bite me in the ass. I’m anxious, this isn’t going to work…who would give me their child? If I can’t have babies maybe I don’t deserve them. Does my inability to stay pregnant mean I should stay childless? I know in my head that I’ll be a great mom but I still hear that ugly voice in my head….how do i get that to go away.

Seminar on Open Adoption cont…

It’s the second day of our seminar about open adoption given by our adoption agency, the IAC.

We still have so many questions but we’re raring to go! We met Dan & Krista two adoptive parents and their beautiful daughter (who is African American). She is adorable and melts Techie’s heart. It’s nice to hear about the process and know it does work out. We also see a video from some birthparents. I’m really excited to meet our future birth mom and I hope we have great relationship. I’m looking forward to writing our “Dear Birthmother” letter so that the world can see what great parents we will be. The pictures, the writing, it’s all so ME!

We hung around a while after the seminar trying to soak it all in. I’m trying to soak it all in. I’m totally stoked and this trip to Indianapolis couldn’t have been better. Now off to the mall.

The mall was awesome and Techie and I love all this time together. After trying to get pregnant for more than a year it’s nice to feel that connection between us again. Infertility was hard on our relationship but it’s only made our marriage stronger. Tomorrow we head home with a stop in Illinois to see my Grandparents.

Learning about Open Adoption, a seminar at Independent Adoption Center

We made it to Indianapolis! Last night the stress of adoption caught up to Techie. I’ve thrown myself into the process and worked through a lot of my grief, but he’s been busy with the company. Anger, grief, and questions stirred by excitement are too much and he erupted in the car on the way to the hotel. I answered a lot of his questions and he seems settled now.

It’s our first morning in Indianapolis for the IAC seminar. I’m so nervous and excited. The IAC office is cool. The walls are covered in pictures of smiling prospective parents, and chubby faced babies of successful adoptions. This can work…I’m ready to learn.

We had an awesome day. I’m on some kind of high I swear! There are only three other couples at the seminar, we’re all so different but in some strange way the same. You can almost smell the pain of infertility in the room. Techie was, of course, the class clown. Birth moms are going to love him, he lights up the room and when people talk to him they always walk away feeling good. We learned about all the paperwork, home studies, and talked about important adoption issues like trans-racial adoption and drug use. Tina, our adoption counselor, is nice and comforting. They send us home with a big bag of stuff, which of course makes me very happy.

We spent the night being Indianapolis tourists. We ate at this crappy steakhouse but didn’t even care because we were so busy talking about all the things that we learned and our plans to build a family. Tonight we actually feel like we could have a baby! We’ve been pouring over the materials they gave us, and I’m already reading the required books. Tomorrow we get to meet actual adoptive parents. Can’t wait to go back to IAC.