Waiting to adopt = frustration *shakes fist at the heavens*

It’s been a month since or unmatching. Time has flown by but Techie and I have both grown frustrated with the system.

It’s so hard for the two of us to look at other people who have kids and don’t love them, or have kids and just don’t good a job of raising them. We’ve had someone tell us recently that we aren’t ready for kids, and that kids are the end of our lives.

We’ve watched cold people who resent their children masquerade as good parents all the while reminding us that we are still outsiders when it comes to parenting. The thing is that even though we don’t have children yet we are parents on the inside.

For Techie & I having children is just the start of our lives. While some prefer to spend their nights out with friends or having drinks, we’d just prefer to stay at home with our kids playing board games or watching TV together.

I’d gladly trade a night on the town for a cheesy Disney movie with my kids. I know that Techie feels the same way.  So I shout this out to the universe “CAN WE GET ON WITH IT ALREADY?”

Truly shaken

We flew to San Francisco on Easter Sunday, meant the birthparents and really hit it off. I could tell right away that they were overwhelmed with the daughter they have (that’s putting it nicely…a more honest statement is that they are poor, abusive, irresponsible parents) and that they were not in any position to keep the baby. We went to the ultrasound and saw the baby, it is a boy! We were so overjoyed…I almost couldn’t believe it.

At our match meeting our birthmom’s deep feelings started to surface, it was ugly. The birthfather was visibily upset at the fact that it is a boy but we went home with their assurance that the baby would be ours.

On the way home I allowed myself to believe, to be excited. I was looking at this these tiny fingers in the ultrasound picture and thinking this is my baby…how could I be so stupid?

Yesterday as I was out joyously shopping for the baby I get a call saying that we’re unmatched. The birthparents couldn’t go through with it. Everyone is saying better now than later, if they can’t do it then the baby is better with them (really, being abused and unloved is better?) etc.

I’m devastated. Techie is devastated. For once his parents were excited for us. This is the first time they’ve cared about anything that he’s done or been excited about his life…and he had to call them and tell them that she changed her mind. He was so excited that it was a boy and ironically that’s one of the reasons the bps claim they changed their mind.

To make matters worse, our agency called CPS after the meeting. They didn’t warn us…they let us go all the way home thinking that we could actually be parents…the birthparents found out it was the agency and called it off.

The agency still hasn’t come right out and told us. I’m just so frustrated, and angry, and just devastated.

I feel like I’ll neer be a mom, and I know I’ll be great at it. I feel like everytime I’m happy something has to crash down on me and ruin it. I don’t have a passion for life anymore, i just feel like there’s nothing left to give. People give me this halfhearted “things will work out” crap. That’s just not true. No one knows anything.

I don’t even want to adopt right now. I don’t want someone else’s child, i don’t want all this spectical and heartbreak. I was wrong and I’m embarrassed and frustrated. It’s not more risky to try all these fertiltity treatments…I’ve invested a year of our lives into adoption…for what?

I’ve wasted a year that we could have had with my child. I’ve apparently talked my husband into this and he hates me for it. I can’t get our money back, I can’t undo our contract, I can’t undo what I’ve done. All I want is to do what other women do so easily, what most take for granted…i just want to be pregnant. I want to see that ultrasound and know that there is no one that can come between me and my baby. I’m back to where I was a year ago, devastated, angry, and childless.

We’re Live!!!!!

Finally, we’re live. Our website is up and running and the IAC is mailing out our birthmother letters to potential birthmoms. We went out to celebrate at a fancy fondue restraunt tonight and I feel a lot like I did when we were in Indianapolis.

The IAC had a show on TLC called “Family Makers” that showed how the adoption process works. It was great and I can’t wait until we get our first call. In the meantime I’m working on the nursery and shopping with my mommy for baby things.

A beautiful sister & neice

I’m a slow griever I guess. I’m finally past my own shit and I have to say that I AM SOOOOO PROUD OF MY SISTER. She was such a trooper in the delivery room, she handled the pain and pushed O out in like a half an hour. She’s so strong and I’m very proud of her. O is beautiful and I adore my new neice. I can’t hold her enough. My sister has had a beautiful baby girl.

A more sane Kimmy is finally looking forward to the relationship that we’ll have with our birthmom. I will trust her and hopefully she’ll trust me. We’re making her part of our family and visa versa. I’m ready to be “in the book”.

The adoption wait, angry at the world…still

I’m still reeling from the birth of my niece. I find myself worrying about what the birth of my children will be like. Hoping there will be excitement fearing there will only be sadness. I hope I get to see them come out…i know it’s not likely but I can’t imagine not watching my children take their first breath.

Our IAC counselor emailed us today…she’s just now forwarding our file, the letter for which I arrived a week ago. She’s been out sick, moved, had deaths in the family, sick kids etc etc etc…shit happens but I honestly feel like enough shit has happened to us.

I’ve been very very sick, had deaths and births…yet I’m stilling making good time. All this stalling on the side of an agency to whom I’m paying $9,000. I just want them to hurry so we can find the mother of our children. It’s frustrating. They owe us big and when it’s crunch time I expect them to go above and beyond.